The Outrageous Adventures of Flint
by Reese1
Summary: Flint is enraged when Duke gets all four G.I. JOE women to fall in love with him. How far will he go to get Lady Jaye back and set things right?
1. Love Song

All across America, the handsome face of Duke was emblazoned on television screens everywhere. Millions of viewers were treated to the sight of Duke promoting the U.S. Army.  
  
"My fellow Americans. We live in a time of great fear. Terrorists such as Cobra are plotting to destroy us all at this very moment. That's why we must answer the call and fight for freedom and the American way."  
  
The camera zoomed out, showing a clean cut Duke decked out in his G.I. JOE combat uniform, holding a helmet in one hand and his rifle in the other. He was standing atop the crown of the Statue of Liberty, and an American flag flew proudly behind him.  
  
"Citizens, I ask you, do you have what it takes to be a real American hero? Are you a clean cut, muscular, and handsome all-American poster boy?"  
  
The camera closed in on Duke.  
  
"Then join the United States armed forces today. I am all that I can be. I am an army of one. I can go in and kick Cobra's butt all by myself, I'm such a fearless, heroic stud muffin. Enlist today, and you can be just like me. Yo Joe!"  
  
* * *  
  
"What kind of shit is that?"  
  
Flint gestured toward the television in the G.I. JOE headquarters lounge, where a large number of Joes were gathered around, watching Duke's nationally televised promo.  
  
"What's the matter honey, jealous that Duke's on TV and you aren't?"  
  
Lady Jaye put an arm around Flint's shoulder as she leaned in, teasing him.  
  
Flint seemed to be the only one reacting negatively toward the commercial.  
  
"Duke, my man," Shipwreck said to Duke, "that was hilarious. I loved it. You gotta do more of those!"  
  
"Check it out," Bazooka said to Alpine, holding up a 3.75 inch action figure of Duke. "I went to Toys 'R Us and bought my Duke action figure, complete with his jet pack and rocket launcher."  
  
"Oh yeah?" Alpine sneered, revealing to Bazooka a formidable looking stealth bomber. "Check out my bad ass ultra maneuverable stealth bomber, fully armed with computer guided nuclear missiles. With my "bomber pilot Duke" action figure at the helm, it can kick your pussy rocket launcher's ass any day!"  
  
"Aw man, no fair! You got off work before me and snatched up the last one," Bazooka complained.  
  
Hawk walked into the room.  
  
"Well Duke," Hawk said. "You've become the biggest celebrity in G.I. JOE since Cover Girl. You've got TV commercials, movie deals, rap albums, action figures, trading cards, and Happy Meals. You've got it all."  
  
"Well, not quite," Duke whispered as he glanced toward Scarlett.  
  
The beautiful southern red head was busy making out with Snake Eyes in a corner of the lounge. Snake Eyes and Scarlett had been an item for years, long before Duke had joined G.I. JOE and become its revered first sergeant. Secretly, Duke pined for Scarlett. Duke believed he would have done anything for her. Hell, he would even sing love songs to her if it would sway her heart. But some things just aren't meant to be.  
  
Roadblock walked into the lounge, bearing an enormous duffel bag.  
  
"Is that our mail?" Dusty asked excitedly.  
  
"Nope, it's all for Duke," Roadblock said, hefting the bag and setting it at Duke's feet.  
  
"What the hell?" Ace said.  
  
"Fan mail," Duke said sheepishly as Roadblock emptied the contents of the bag on the floor. There was a huge pile of letters and packages.  
  
"Uh, could you help me take all this back to my quarters?" Duke asked.  
  
* * *  
  
It was late that night when Duke got to his last package in his pile of mail. He was alone in his room, sorting out his voluminous fan mail, the (mostly) hopelessly romantic outpouring of teeny bopper girls from all over the world.  
  
He started to read some of this letters aloud.  
  
"Dear Duke,  
  
You are so handsome. You are the kind of man I dream about. Tall, blond, blue eyed, and handsome. Sigh!"  
  
"Duke,  
  
You are so studly. I have taped your commercials and have watched them while masturbating well over thirty times now. When I am having sex with my boyfriend, I'm really thinking of you."  
  
"Dearest Dukie pookie,  
  
You big hunk of Nordic manliness. You are so perfectly sculpted in every way. I want to have your baby. I am an attractive single white female. Join me. Together we will have the perfect Aryan children. We will create the Master Race. Please think about it."  
  
"Duke,  
  
I am your most devoted fan. I love you so much, I have enclosed a special gift for you."  
  
Duke paused and opened a sealed cardboard box. Inside was a shiny, polished bugle.  
  
"This is no ordinary bugle. It is a very SPECIAL bugle. It is a magical bugle. When played, it will make every woman who hears it fall madly in love with you."  
  
Duke thoughtfully ran his finger along the bugle's smooth horn.  
  
The letter concluded, "This bugle has been passed down through my family for hundreds of years. And now I pass it along to you. It will change your life."  
  
Duke shook his head. "What the hell," he said to himself as he began playing the bugle.  
  
Having no experience whatsoever in playing a musical instrument, let alone possessing the skills to make the proper embouchure required for playing a brass instrument, the sound that emanated from Duke's magical bugle resembled the sound of a flatulent horse. He sounded like shit. He couldn't even play more than one note, if the squealing sound of a suffocating sea otter can be called a "note."  
  
The muffled sound of Duke's pitiful bugle playing emanated down the halls of G.I. JOE headquarters.  
  
Finally, after a full five minutes of utterly incompetent bugle playing, Duke decided to stop himself before someone else did.  
  
"Jeez, I suck major ass at this. I knew I would regret quitting band in order to become a cheerleader," Duke lamented.  
  
A knock on the door.  
  
"Who is it?"  
  
"It's Scarlett," a husky woman's voice came from the other end.  
  
Duke opened the door and was surprised to find Scarlett on the other end, practically ready to throw herself into his arms. She was steaming red and breathing very heavily.  
  
"Oh Duke," Scarlett said as she grabbed him and French kissed him madly.  
  
Duke, shocked, stood in his doorway for a while, kissing Scarlett. Finally he summoned the sense to let her into his room and shut the door.  
  
"Scarlett, what are you doing?"  
  
"Call me Shana. It turns me on to hear you say my real name."  
  
"Shana, what the hell are you doing?"  
  
"Conrad, I can't stand it. I want you. My hormones are raging. My libido will not be denied. I want to make wild passionate love with you. I want to do it with you like they do it on the Discovery Channel."  
  
Scarlett was working herself into a fever pitch of excitement. Her chest heaved as she spoke, and Duke found himself staring at her shapely breasts.  
  
Duke shook himself out of his trance and turned his attention back to Scarlett. He took note of the bugle, lying quietly on his dresser. Wow, whoever sent him the magical bugle wasn't kidding. It was working wonders.  
  
"But I don't think this is right," Duke said, his defenses weakening. "What about Snake Eyes?"  
  
"Screw Snake Eyes. He's a loser, and he sucks. I told him to take a hike. Now can you please stop being such a mama's boy and start fondling my boobies?"  
  
In one quick motion, Scarlett pulled off her shirt, revealing her entire upper body to Duke.  
  
Duke gulped audibly.  
  
"Okay," he croaked.  
  
* * *  
  
For the next ten minutes or so, Duke and Scarlett made out like a pair of wild monkeys. They were both half-naked and touching each other all over, when another knock on the door disturbed them.  
  
"I'll take care of it," Duke said.  
  
Duke opened the door and was practically tackled by Lady Jaye, Cover Girl, and Jinx. Scarlett shut the door and watched the scene unfold with curiosity.  
  
"Oh Duke," Cover Girl, "I want you so bad. I've been lusting after you for years, but now I will not be denied."  
  
"Duke," Jinx said, "How could I have hooked up with that loser Falcon? He's your half brother, but he's not half the man you are, you big hunk."  
  
"Duke," Lady Jaye said huskily, "I was just about to have an amorous rendezvous with Flint when I heard your clarion love call. My loins began to throb with excitement. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to find you and start humping you right away."  
  
"No kidding?" Duke said. This was amazing. All four of the women of G.I. JOE had the hots for him. Although Scarlett was a hottie, Duke wouldn't mind checking out what the other three lovely women had to offer. Frankly, he couldn't make up his mind which one he wanted. So he decided to take all of them at once.  
  
"Come to papa," Duke said as all four women tackled Duke onto the bed.  
  
* * *  
  
The next morning, Flint woke up alone. He was profoundly disappointed. He and Lady Jaye were supposed to have had one of their usual late night trysts. Flint and Lady Jaye often had sex in each other's private quarters, but lately, that had gotten old. They needed to spice up their love life, so they began having sexual encounters in dangerous places. First it was General Hawk's office desk. Before long, they had moved on to the men's room, the elevators, and the cargo bay of a Tomohawk chopper. Last night, they were supposed to make love out on the airfield, beneath the stars and the summer moon. It was to be their most romantic evening yet. But for the first time, Lady Jaye had stood Flint up. That wasn't like her. What was going on?  
  
"Hmm," Flint pondered as he wandered the halls of G.I. JOE headquarters, "Maybe I better ask Duke if he's seen her."  
  
Flint knocked on Duke's door. There was no answer.  
  
"Duke, it's Flint."  
  
The door opened, and Duke appeared. Behind him were all four of the women. Everyone was fully dressed.  
  
"Hey Flint," Duke said complacently. "Check out my harem."  
  
"HAREM?" Flint cried indignantly. His eyes shot to Lady Jaye.  
  
"Oh, Flinty-winty," Lady Jaye purred, "I'm soooo sorry for missing our date last night."  
  
"What's going on here?" Flint demanded.  
  
"I'm sorry, honey," Lady Jaye said, "but Duke is a much better lover than you are. Why, he brought me to orgasm ten times. What's our record? Four? You could stand to take a few lessons from Duke on how to pleasure a woman. Make that, how to pleasure four horny women, all at the same time."  
  
Flint was so furious, he looked like steam was about to come shooting out of his ears.  
  
"This is fucked up!" he cried.  
  
Duke smirked at Flint as he led his coterie of women past Flint, down the hall. Duke put on a pair of Oakley shades and smiled, feeling like the king of the world.  
  
"What's on the agenda for today, lover?" Scarlett asked as she walked on one side of Duke.  
  
"Well, sweetie, we've got a long day. First I'm going to flex my muscles and yell at the other Joes and make them feel inferior. Then after lunch, we're going to pay a visit to the studio where I'll be shooting a music video. We'll have dinner, and then I can make love to all you honeys till the sun rises…"  
  
* * *  
  
Cobra Commander paced back and forth in front of his loyal subordinates Tomax and Xamot.  
  
"The magical bugle that Destro sent to Duke is already doing its insidious work," Cobra Commander hissed.  
  
"My spies tell me that already, it has begun to sow the seeds of factionalism and hate within the ranks of G.I. JOE. Just as I had hoped."  
  
"You are--" Tomax said.  
  
"truly brilliant," Xamot said.  
  
"I know," Cobra Commander said. "You know now what must be done."  
  
"We will fulfill our objective," Tomax said.  
  
"Flint will be ours," Xamot finished. 


	2. The Proprosition

Flint walked into the bar in a town located a few miles away from the G.I. JOE headquarters. He had earlier received a mysterious phone call, and the caller had told him to meet two of his friends at the local bar. Flint did not know what to expect, but the anonymous caller hinted that he would soon learn what had happened to cause the JOE women to behave so strangely.  
  
After buying a beer, Flint settled down at a table near the corner. He had just begun to drink when he was startled by the sight of Tomax and Xamot walking through the door and approaching his table!  
  
"What the hell!" Flint muttered. Was it some kind of a setup?  
  
Flint gently felt his pistol, tucked beneath his waistband. Just in case.  
  
"Good evening, Flint," Tomax said.  
  
"We have--," Xamot said.  
  
"--Much to discuss," Tomax said.  
  
"No kidding?" Flint said as the Crimson Twins took a seat at the small table. The twins took seats on either side of Flint.  
  
"We have a proposition--" Xamot said.  
  
"--You might be interested in," Tomax said.  
  
"Well, guess what? I don't do business with Cobra creeps," Flint snarled.  
  
Both twins shoved pistols into Flint's belly from under the table.  
  
"Ah, testy, aren't we? We can't help you-" Tomax said.  
  
"--If we have to kill you first," Xamot said.  
  
"Okay, fine. But could you at least stop finishing each other's sentences? It's driving me up the wall," Flint complained.  
  
"Do you have-" Tomax said.  
  
"--A problem with-" Xamot said.  
  
"--The way-" Tomax said.  
  
"--We talk?" both twins said in unison.  
  
"Yes, goddamnit! I have a problem. You guys are a couple of freaks! Now can we please get to the point?"  
  
"We know what-" Tomax said.  
  
"-Is going on in G.I. JOE headquarters," Xamot said.  
  
"You know about Duke?" Flint said. It had only been two days. The news must have spread fast if Cobra already knew about the whole mess.  
  
The twins nodded.  
  
"We can offer you answers," Tomax said.  
  
"Yeah? What's the catch?"  
  
"Join Cobra," both twins said in unison.  
  
Flint's eyes nearly popped out. Was this some kind of crazy dream?  
  
"Join Cobra?" Flint said, incredulous.  
  
"We're looking to kill a few good men," Xamot said sarcastically as he slipped a business card into Flint's shirt pocket.  
  
"We'll give you time to think about it," Tomax said.  
  
"I've already come to a decision," Flint announced.  
  
The twins both looked at Flint.  
  
Suddenly, Flint jabbed Tomax in the eyes with his first two fingers, just like they used to do it in The Three Stooges.  
  
"Aaahhh!!!" Tomax cried, his hands going to his eyes.  
  
Xamot, sharing his brother's pain through their psychic connection, also put his hands to his eyes.  
  
"I'm blind, I'm blind!" Xamot cried in dismay.  
  
Everyone in the bar turned to watch the spectacle. Flint knocked the table over. Before either of the twins could retaliate, Flint kicked Tomax in the nuts.  
  
"Aaaahhh!!! My nuts!" Tomax shrieked, twice as loud this time.  
  
"I'm sterile!" Xamot gasped in a distinctly effeminate voice, his hands grabbing his crotch.  
  
"You can tell Cobra Commander he can go hump a tree. Yo Joe!!!"  
  
Flint ran out of the bar as fast as his feet could carry him.  
  
* * *  
  
It was another lonely night for Flint at the G.I. JOE headquarters. Feeling restless, Flint took a walk down to Duke's quarters and stood outside the door. He put his ear to the door and listened. It wasn't long before he was able to hear the sounds of some perverse orgy, taking place within.  
  
"Uh! Faster! Uh! Deeper! Yesss!!!" Scarlett cried, evidently in the throes of passion.  
  
"Yeah, who's your daddy?" Duke said.  
  
"You are!" Lady Jaye said, breathing heavily.  
  
"Yeah baby, that's what I'm talking about," Duke said smugly.  
  
"Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeee! Oooooooooohhhh!!!!!!" Jinx cried ecstatically.  
  
"It's my turn, you big hunk of manly studliness," Cover Girl said sensuously.  
  
Unable to bear listening to any more of this, Flint put his fingers into his ears and walked back to his room. Inside his room, Flint took out the Extensive Enterprises business card and turned it over in his hand thoughtfully.  
  
"I'm going to get you back, Lady Jaye," Flint vowed.  
  
No matter what the cost. 


	3. Changing Sides

In a mysterious, unknown area of loathsome filth and decay somewhere in the United States, the Cobra FANG chopper carrying a blindfolded Flint rapidly approached the enormous Cobra headquarters, which was a formidable steel construction of a Cobra snake. By some automated control, the cobra's cavernous mouth opened, allowing the chopper to ascend into the secret depths below.  
  
The Cobra troopers jumped off the chopper and brought down Flint as they did so. Cobra Commander was there at the landing pad to greet his newest recruit into the Cobra organization.  
  
"You may remove the blindfold," Cobra Commander instructed his subordinates.  
  
Flint blinked several times as he beheld the interior of Cobra headquarters in all its fearsome glory.  
  
"Welcome, Flint, to Cobra. I am extremely pleased that you have decided to abandon your foolish patriotism and embrace hate, ssssssssselfishnesssss, and greed. In ssssssssshort, I am ssssssssure that you will ssssssoon become a man who will make his mark on the world."  
  
"Thankssssssssss a lot, Cobra Commander," Flint said, imitating the Commander's speech mannerism.  
  
Cobra Commander picked up on Flint's sarcasm and slapped him in the face.  
  
"Insssssolent Joe! No one talks like thissss except me. Do you know it takes yearsssss of practice to drag out all the sssssssss'sssssss in every cursed sssssentence? I even had to hire a ssssspeech therapist to help me get it just right! Ssssadly, I had no choice but to brainwash him into a mindless peon for Cobra once his work was done. But that's besssssside the point."  
  
"Why bother?" Flint asked.  
  
"Becaussssse," Cobra Commander said condescendingly, "every great leader must have a disssstinctive mannerism. How the hell else would people recognize the great Cobra Commander? How else would I sssstrike fear into the hearts of free men everywhere?"  
  
Flint shrugged.  
  
"Beats me, pal," Flint said.  
  
"We have much to discussss," Cobra Commander said. "But first you must passss the TRIAL OF INITIATION."  
  
"What?" Flint said, alarmed. Two Cobra troopers began leading him away. Cobra Commander gave his next order.  
  
"Take him to the C.A.T. (Cobra Arena of Terror)!!!!"  
  
* * *  
  
Five Cobra Flight Pods circled over the enormous field, which was as large as a football field. The entire Cobra organization was in attendance in the stands, eager for entertainment and sport. In the center of the arena, Flint stood alone. A laser pistol lay on the ground twenty yards away. Flint looked up and watched the flight pods circle above. What kind of weird shit was going on, anyway?  
  
Behind a laser-proof plexiglass shield that encircled the field and protected the spectators, Cobra Commander sat with the Baroness, Destro, Dr. Mindbender, Tomax, Xamot, and Zartan.  
  
"As proof of your worthiness to Cobra," Cobra Commander said, "you must avoid getting killed by the Flight Pods hovering above the field. You have nothing but that puny laser pistol. If you can even get to it alive, that is."  
  
The crowd roared in anticipation of a good time. The prospect of a Joe being slaughtered like cattle thrilled the spectators to no end.  
  
"Cobraaaa! Cobraaaa! Cobraaaa!" the crowd chanted deliriously.  
  
"Let the trial begin!" Cobra Commander shouted.  
  
The flight pods circling above opened fire on Flint, who ducked and dove out of the way.  
  
"Holy shit!" Flint cried as the lasers nearly blew his head off. It seemed like Flint was headed for certain doom. But Flint had an advantage that the flight pod pilots did not have. Flint was a stud, and if there was one constant in the physical universe, it was that studly guys invariably triumphed over wimpy dorks flying their shitty-ass flight pods, trying to kill him.  
  
The 20 yard dash brought back great memories of the glory days of high school football for Flint as he made it to the laser pistol, turned and opened fire.  
  
Five shots.  
  
Five destroyed flight pods.  
  
The battle was over in just one minute. Flint stood alone on the field and gestured toward the five smoking wrecks on the field, which contained the scorched remains of five hapless, nameless Cobra troopers.  
  
Flint spiked the gun like a football and began pounding his chest like a cave-man.  
  
"BOO YAH, TOUCHDOWN, I MAKE MIRACLES HAPPEN!!!! SUCK ON THAT, BEEE-ACH!!!"  
  
As Flint began break dancing right there on the field of the Cobra Arena of Terror, the crowd began chanting a different tune.  
  
"FLINT! FLINT! FLINT!"  
  
Behind the plexiglass shield, Cobra Commander nodded in approval. He turned to the Baroness, who had watched the entire event in rapt attention.  
  
"Very impresssive, wouldn't you say?" Cobra Commander said, not noticing the smoldering fires of barely repressed sexual lust in the eyes of the Baroness.  
  
"Yes," the Baroness breathed out heavily as she smiled at Flint, who was still celebrating on the field. 


	4. The Plot Thickens

Flint whistled a soft tune to himself as he sauntered down the quiet corridors of Cobra headquarters. He was on his way to the all-important meeting with Cobra Commander. Soon, Flint would begin to learn the truth behind the strange behavior afflicting the G.I. JOE women, and Lady Jaye, in particular.  
  
Nearing the side corridor that led to Cobra Commander's private quarters, Flint passed by a door in the hallway that was slightly ajar. Without warning, a black-gloved hand shot out from the door, grabbed Flint by the collar, and yanked him into the room before the surprised Joe traitor could even utter a word in protest.  
  
There was a swift slam of the door, and in the dim light, Flint found himself face to face with the Baroness, alone. He found himself more than a little disconcerted by the strange look of intense desire that raged on the countenance of the Baroness.  
  
"Hey, what's the big idea?" Flint said.  
  
The Baroness made no reply, instead shoving him against the closed door and hemming him in. Flint was trapped. There was no escape as the Baroness engaged Flint in a furious lip-lock.  
  
When the Baroness finally came up for air, she gasped heavily.  
  
"You were incredible out there. Watching you shoot down those flight pods one by one, sending the pilots to their agonizing deaths, was such a huge turn on. It made me so wet! It was one of the sexiest things I've ever seen."  
  
Flint blinked dumbly, his mind still reeling from the force of the Baroness' kiss.  
  
"Uh, thanks, Baroness," Flint said. "Listen, I've got an important meeting with Cobra Commander, so maybe if I could just sign autographs for you now, we could pick this up later?"  
  
"No," the Baroness said, "there's something you must know. Cobra Commander has promised you the answers, which you so desperately seek. But it's a double cross. He is going to tell you lies, bullshit lies. You must not believe him."  
  
"Why should I listen to you?"  
  
"Oh Flint," the Baroness said tenderly, caressing Flint's cheek, "if you only knew how desperately I've wanted you, ever since the night we danced together on that boat. We danced together, and then Destro got mad and beat you up, remember?"  
  
"Yeah, that was very romantic."  
  
"I've never told this to a single soul, but I have hungered for you since that night. I've had wild, erotic fantasies of you stripping off my black uniform and giving me oral pleasure."  
  
"Wow," Flint said. "Thanks, but I'm not in a hurry to get myself killed by Destro. And aren't you Destro's girl, anyhow?"  
  
"That fool Destro! He has some bizarre, perverse attachment to that iron mask of his. Why, he won't even take it off when we're having sex! Do you know how unpleasant it is to have cold metal rubbing against your-"  
  
"Okay!" Flint interrupted her. "That was a little TOO MUCH information-"  
  
"The point is," Baroness continued, "I need a little variety. I need a little more of that human touch. That's where you come in. You're a handsome hunk. We could make passionate love all night like a pair of wild monkeys. Soft, warm, sensual. Think about it, Flint. It could be so wonderful!"  
  
Flint turned toward the door, preparing to leave.  
  
"Be careful, Flint!" the Baroness said. "Watch yourself around Cobra Commander. He's got eyes on the back of his head."  
  
"Thanks for the advice," Flint said sarcastically.  
  
* * *  
  
Flint walked down to the Cobra Commander's private quarters. The door was wide open, and Flint hesitantly walked in, escorted by two Crimson Guards.  
  
Inside the darkened room, Cobra Commander sat with his back turned to the entrance. He was eating.  
  
Cobra Commander's mask and helmet were off, and Flint caught a glimpse of the back of Cobra Commander's bald head as the Guardsmen announced his arrival. To Flint's great discomfort, he noticed an actual eye squarely on the back of the Commander's head. Actually, there were three of them, and they all stared at Flint, blinking periodically.  
  
He's got eyes on the back of his head.  
  
"The Baroness wasn't kidding," Flint observed to himself. What kind of a freak was this guy? Cobra Commander put on his helmet and mask before turning to Flint.  
  
"Welcome, Flint," Cobra Commander said. "Have a sssseat."  
  
Flint entered the room and took a seat at the Commander's table.  
  
"Let's get down to business, sssshall we?"  
  
"How the hell did Duke get Lady Jaye, Jinx, Scarlett, and Cover Girl to fall in love with him, all at once?"  
  
Cobra Commander cackled.  
  
"That's the million dollar quessstion, isn't it? The answer is ssssimple. Your 'friend' Duke has mastered a secret Cobra brainwasssshing technique. As long as he is alive, your women friends will remain hooked on him like Coke addicts. He must be killed. Only then will the women be releasssed from his sssinister power."  
  
"Yes," Flint nodded, mindful of the Baroness' warning. "I must kill that rat bastard son of a motherless shit-eating donkey reamer, right away."  
  
"Yessss," Cobra Commander said enthusiastically, "that's the way, my boy. You will attack and kill Duke."  
  
"Attack, attack, attack!" Flint howled, putting on the most maniacal performance of his life. "KILL, KILL, KILL!!!"  
  
"Yesss, yessss!!! Yesss!" Cobra Commander cried orgasmically.  
  
Flint cocked an eyebrow at him.  
  
Cobra Commander settled down a bit.  
  
"Sorry, I get a little carried away by the thrill of murder. You will kill Duke, and we will help you!"  
  
Flint and Cobra Commander both rose from their seats. Cobra Commander patted Flint on the back.  
  
"We will attack G.I. JOE. You will lead us to victory," Cobra Commander said.  
  
"Wait, I don't get it," Flint said. "Why go through the trouble of recruiting me into Cobra, just so I could go back and kill Duke? Couldn't you guys do that shit yourselves?"  
  
"I'd like to be able to tell you that we at Cobra ssstrive for noble, lofty goals of world domination. That's all fine and good, but in the end, nothing gives me more pleasure than sticking it to G.I. JOE. You see, we're the bad guys. And bad guys love to kill good guys. It's a tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme. With your help, we can kill the good guys in the most poetic way possible. Disgruntled Joe returns to bring about the downfall of his erssstwhile brothers in arms! What a story of Shakespearian dimensions! Ah, the tragedy! OH, THE HUMANITY!!!"  
  
Cobra Commander reached out his hands toward the heavens as he struck up a dramatic pose. He turned and looked at Flint.  
  
"What do you think," Cobra Commander asked. "You liked that ssspeech? You think it was a tad over the top?"  
  
"No, it was pretty good," Flint said. "It was all that and a bag of chips. Why, if I could talk like that, I'd be the president of the United States by now."  
  
"Thanksss, I try."  
  
* * *  
  
Having decided that he needed to hear what the Baroness had to say, Flint found her private quarters and knocked on the door.  
  
"Come in," the voice within said.  
  
Flint walked in and nearly dropped dead of a coronary when he saw the Baroness lying on her bed, dressed in nothing but slinky red lingerie.  
  
"For the love of Christ!" Flint cried, shielding his eyes in embarrassment.  
  
"Is there a problem?"  
  
"Yes, goddamnit there's a problem. How am I supposed to have a conversation with you when you're-you're-"  
  
"You're what?"  
  
"When you're half naked!" Flint finished, blushing.  
  
"We're all alone tonight, Flint," the Baroness said, propping up her head on her elbow as she lay on the bed.  
  
"Destro is away in his dumb ol' castle in Scotland for the weekend. That means we can finally be free to be together, at last."  
  
"Yeah, thanks, but in case you forgot, I'm not the type who cheats on my girlfriend."  
  
"What about Lady Jaye?" Baroness said with a mocking smile. "What do you think she's doing right this instant?"  
  
Flint didn't need to think about it. He knew what was going on in Duke's room, at this very moment. The perverted bastard!  
  
"Don't you think you're entitled to a little pleasure?"  
  
"Well," Flint protested, his defenses dropping away like chaff.  
  
"I can give you what you want," the Baroness said. "But it's only fair that I get something in return, no?"  
  
Flint thought about it for a moment. The way he saw it, he had a couple of diametrically opposite choices.  
  
OPTION #1: a) Don't have sex with the Baroness, b) don't find out the truth, c) don't ever have sex with Lady Jaye again.  
  
OPTION #2: a) Have wild monkey sex with the Baroness, b) find answers you seek, c) get to have sex with Lady Jaye for the rest of your life.  
  
In short, the choices could be summed up succinctly by the following alternatives.  
  
OPTION #1: No pussy  
  
OPTION #2: Lots of pussy  
  
Seen in that light, the choice was an obvious one. Flint tore off his shirt.  
  
"Give me some sugar, baby," Flint said. 


	5. The Battle for G.I. JOE HQ

Flint blinked his eyes several times as he slowly awoke to the new day. Sleeping soundly next to him on the large bed was the Baroness. Beneath the bed sheets, Flint and the Baroness were naked. Flint smiled as he remembered their stormy night of torrential passion. All in all, he had to admit that sex with the Baroness was pretty good. Actually, it was probably one of the best times he'd ever had sticking his penis into a woman's vagina. Boy, that Baroness was one horny lady!  
  
The Baroness stirred as she woke. She smiled at Flint and lay an arm across his chest. They looked into each other's eyes.  
  
"Morning," Flint said.  
  
"Mmmm, Flint," the Baroness said. "You are such a better lover than my tin- headed boyfriend. Couldn't you stay with me a while longer? Stay in Cobra and we can be lovers. We can 'take care' of Destro. We can overthrow Cobra Commander as well. The world could be our burrito. Just think of it. Imagine the possibilities."  
  
Flint looked at the Baroness thoughtfully. She was such an evil bitch. But damn, she was something else in the sack! It was one of the hardest things he had to do.  
  
"I can't," Flint said. "That dumb cockmaster, Duke, has my one true love under his spell. I've got to find that love bugle of his and trash it into a million pieces, if it's the last thing I do."  
  
"I admire your resolve," the Baroness said.  
  
The Baroness surprised Flint by lowering her hand under the covers, resting on his crotch.  
  
"Let's do it one more time," the Baroness said. "A little sex before we say good-bye."  
  
Flint was all too happy to oblige.  
  
* * *  
  
The moment had come. The giant Cobra transport plane hovered over G.I. JOE headquarters. On the ground, Cobra infantry was advancing on all sides. The battle to "stick it to the Joes" had begun.  
  
Flint stood near the door of the transport plane, ready to parachute down to G.I. JOE headquarters and penetrate the base from above. Legions of Cobra troopers were prepared to follow him to victory.  
  
"Follow me to victory!" Flint shouted. "We will storm this base and break G.I. JOE!"  
  
"FLINT! FLINT! FLINT!" the Cobras shouted.  
  
"I don't care about the other Joes, but do not harm the women. And NO ONE is to attack Duke. He is MINE, is that understood?"  
  
"Hail Flint! Hail victory! Hail Cobra!"  
  
Flint nodded and jumped off the plane.  
  
"Cobraaa!" Flint cried.  
  
* * *  
  
Flint and his company of Cobra troopers landed on the roof of G.I. JOE headquarters. They easily overwhelmed the roof defenses and penetrated the base. Outside, Cobra ground troops led by Cobra Commander had overrun the peripheral defenses and were likewise on the verge of a breakthrough. The Joes were stunned at the sight of their former comrade, Flint, leading this ferocious attack against them.  
  
Within an hour, Cobra had broken G.I. JOE's resistance and had cornered the bulk of the Joe forces inside the staging area.  
  
"Surrender now. Drop your weapons. There is no escape," Flint said as he stepped forward to face the surrounded Joes.  
  
Behind Flint, Cobra Commander chuckled with sadistic satisfaction. Destro, the Baroness, Tomax, Xamot, and Zartan stood by impassively.  
  
"How could you?" Shipwreck cried in accusation. "You dirty traitor!"  
  
Flint smirked at Shipwreck as he scanned the crowd, looking for Duke. He found Duke near the back of the crowd, with Lady Jaye, Scarlett, Cover Girl, and Jinx holding on to him for dear life.  
  
"At last," Flint cried, "Revenge is mine!"  
  
Flint cleared a path toward Duke, and the two officers stood staring at each other, face to face. The women slunk back, afraid of Flint's wrath.  
  
Cobra Commander walked a short distance behind Flint, along with Destro and the Baroness.  
  
"Yesss," Cobra Commander said. "Kill him now. We can kill them all and soak our hands in the blood of dead Joes."  
  
Flint cocked his pistol and pointed it at Duke's forehead. Duke shut his eyes.  
  
"My name is Flint. You stole my girlfriend," Flint said. "Prepare to die."  
  
Suddenly, instead of firing, Flint's hand shot out toward Duke's belt, where the bugle was attached. Flint took hold of the bugle and with a furious yank, he stripped it away from Duke. Duke was wide-eyed in shock.  
  
"My bugle!" he gasped, as if suddenly impotent.  
  
"What is this treachery?" Cobra Commander said.  
  
Before Cobra Commander could attack Flint, the Joe spun on his heels and struck a blow to the Commander, knocking the wind out of him. Cobra Commander doubled over, gasping for air.  
  
"YO JOE!" Flint shot his gun into the air, raising the battle cry.  
  
The captured Joes went from despair to joy within seconds. With new enthusiasm, they picked up their dropped weapons and began firing on the Cobra forces surrounding them. The entire scene soon degenerated into a huge, chaotic melee, with G.I. JOE and Cobra forces mixing it up with zest.  
  
Flint was so caught up bashing Cobra troopers on the head that he was caught by surprise by Cobra Commander, who tripped Flint and sent him tumbling to the ground.  
  
Flint turned and stared into the barrel of Cobra Commander's gun.  
  
"You," Cobra Commander, "You were a TRIPLE AGENT! How did you discover the secret of the love bugle? How did you spoil my precious dreams of revenge?"  
  
Flint spat, "I don't answer to Cobra Commander!"  
  
"No one double crosses Cobra Commander. I'm the only one allowed to do the double crossing around here, understood? Now, die, worm!"  
  
Before Cobra Commander could pull the trigger, the Baroness lunged at him and smashed a 2x4 foot piece of plywood over his head, knocking him out.  
  
The Baroness said nothing to Flint as she reached down to Cobra Commander's fallen body, and ripped his helmet and face plate off. She grabbed the dazed Cobra Commander and yanked him to his feet.  
  
"Cobra legions, behold the face of your Commander!"  
  
The Baroness' voice rang out in the room, piercing the noise of the battle, and everyone paused at what they were doing to turn to the direction of the Baroness.  
  
"This is Cobra Commander. This is the man you serve!"  
  
Cobra Commander had the butt-ugliest face anyone had ever seen. His skin was pale blue, and he had ten eyes scattered on his head in random places.  
  
Shocked silence. The combatants on both sides were stunned.  
  
A Cobra trooper pointed his finger at Cobra Commander and began to laugh.  
  
"Ah, hah, look at him," the Cobra said derisively. "he's a mutant."  
  
Everyone in the room began to laugh.  
  
"Ha ha, he's a mutant! What a freak!" someone called out.  
  
The Cobra and Joe forces began to gleefully chant, "Mutant! Mutant! Mutant!"  
  
Cobra Commander, horrified that his secret was out in the open, blubbered like an idiot.  
  
"I'm a man! I'm a maaaaaaaaaan!!!!!"  
  
The Cobra troopers began jeering at their leader. They threw tomatoes and assorted rotten fruits, which every Cobra trooper carried in their pack as standard issue gear, just for moments like this.  
  
Cobra Commander dropped to his knees and held up his hands to shield his face from rotten tomatoes.  
  
Roadblock ran out of the room and came back moments later, bearing a crate of tomatoes. All the Joes ran out to Roadblock so they could join the Cobras in throwing food at Cobra Commander.  
  
When the attack on Cobra Commander finally subsided, the once proud terrorist leader was reduced to a blubbering baby.  
  
"I'm a maaaan," he muttered. "A maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan."  
  
The Cobras and Joes looked at each other uneasily. What are we going to do now?  
  
Destro solved that problem by walking up to General Hawk.  
  
"I propose that we call a truce," Destro said to Hawk. "We will surrender Cobra Commander to you and walk away. But when we meet again, we shall once again be mortal enemies."  
  
Hawk nodded. The day had been so crazy that this was one of the few things that seemed reasonable.  
  
Hawk and Destro shook hands.  
  
"Cobra legions," Destro announced, "I assume leadership of Cobra. All those who are loyal to Cobra, follow me to another dawn of terror! Let us leave this place at once!"  
  
Destro faced the Baroness as she walked to join him.  
  
"Baroness, you are a strange woman. Why you did what you did, I will never understand. One moment, you betray me, the next moment you make me into the new leader of Cobra. What will I ever do with you?"  
  
"Have lots of hot sex?" the Baroness suggested.  
  
"Works for me," Destro said as he led the Cobra troopers away.  
  
The Baroness lingered. She found Flint in a corner, contemplating the golden love bugle.  
  
"Thank you," Flint said to the Baroness.  
  
The Baroness leaned in and kissed Flint on the cheek.  
  
"Good-bye," she said. "I suppose we will be enemies now. But I will always remember there was once a time when we did it doggy style like a couple of crazed nympho weasels. And I suppose you will never forget either."  
  
Flint smiled.  
  
The Baroness waved her hand as she walked away to join her fellow terrorists.  
  
"It could have been beautiful," she said.  
  
Then she was gone.  
  
NEXT TIME: THE SOUL-STIRRING CONCLUSION! 


	6. Revelations

The G.I. JOE team all gathered around Flint in the middle of the staging area. Cobra had departed, Cobra Commander had been led off in handcuffs, and Flint sat on a chair holding the magical love bugle.  
  
"So, I guess you're not a traitor, after all?" Shipwreck said, with a note of uncertainty in his voice.  
  
Flint nodded.  
  
"Cool," Dusty said. "Hey, what's the deal with that bugle, anyway?"  
  
"It's mine! Mine, PRECIOUS!" Duke hissed, lunging toward Flint. Several Joes, alarmed, grabbed Duke and restrained him.  
  
"It's my bugle, he stole it from me. And we WANTS IT!" Duke said.  
  
Gung Ho gave Duke a suspicious glance.  
  
"You're acting mighty weird there, poster boy," Gung Ho remarked.  
  
"My bugle!" Duke said. He soon began crying. "It was a gift from a fan, my precious bugle, wah hah haa, wahhh!!!"  
  
"Bullshit," Flint declared, shocking everyone into silence. "This bugle was given to Duke by Cobra! The Baroness, knowing the special magical powers that the bugle possessed, sent the object to him in the mail. Cobra knew the bugle would cause havoc within G.I. JOE. It was all a plot to destroy us!"  
  
Flint wisely left out saying that the whole secret motivation behind the Baroness' plot was to get Flint to join Cobra so she could have passionate sex with him.  
  
"What are these powers you're talking about?" Ace said.  
  
"I'll give you a demonstration," Flint said before blasting a note out of the bugle.  
  
Suddenly, the women of G.I. JOE all lunged toward Flint, vying to touch Flint all over.  
  
"Damn," Stalker said as he watched Cover Girl, Scarlett, Jinx, and Lady Jaye practically fall over themselves to grab Flint, "that is some hot shit! I'll buy THAT for a dollar, ha ha!"  
  
"See what I mean?" Flint said. With the help of the other Joes, he extricated himself from the women.  
  
But the bugle had an unexpected effect on one other member of the team. Beach Head suddenly tackled Flint and began to fondle him, just as the four women had previously been doing.  
  
"Oh Flint, I want you so bad!"  
  
"What the hell?" Flint cried, punching Beach Head in the face. Dusty and Shipwreck grabbed Beach Head and held him by both arms. The punch seemed to have knocked some sense into Beach Head, and his demeanor returned to normal.  
  
"Uh, this bugle is only supposed to work on women, Beach Head. You ain't no woman."  
  
Beach Head began sobbing.  
  
"I am a woman-sort of!" he cried.  
  
"What?" everyone in the room said in unison.  
  
Beach Head had finally calmed down. Dusty and Shipwreck released him.  
  
"I'm a pseudohermaphrodite," Beach Head confessed to everyone. "There, my secret's out. Happy now, punks?"  
  
"A pseudo-whatzit?" Shipwreck said, scratching his head.  
  
"I have the genes and the internal reproductive organs of a woman, but I have male genitals."  
  
"Wow, you learn something new every day," Flint remarked.  
  
"Hey, sorry about that," Beach Head said. "I like girls, honestly. I totally dig babes. But when I heard that bugle, my body just got all screwed up, and suddenly I had this intense desire to suck your dick."  
  
"Uh. well, it's all good now," Flint said, giving him a sidelong glance. "I think."  
  
Flint turned toward Bazooka.  
  
"Excuse me, I'm going to need your rocket launcher," Flint said to Bazooka, who handed his weapon over.  
  
"Flint darling," Scarlett said, "what are you doing?"  
  
"Making the world safe for all you women!"  
  
With that, Flint threw the bugle far across the room, clear to the other side, where there was no one nearby. He took aim with the bazooka and fired.  
  
"Fire in the hole!" Bazooka shouted.  
  
There was a big explosion, and the bugle was no more.  
  
Scarlett, Cover Girl, Jinx, and Lady Jaye blinked in confusion for a full minute.  
  
"What happened to us?" Lady Jaye said.  
  
"Duke used a magic bugle to seduce the four of you ladies into having lots of sex with him," Flint said bluntly.  
  
Lady Jaye jumped in repulsion.  
  
"Ewwww!" Lady Jaye cried as she threw herself into Flint's arms.  
  
"Ewwww," Scarlett also said as she backed away from Duke. She ran to Snake Eyes.  
  
"I'm so sorry," Scarlett said as she and Snake Eyes embraced. "You thought I would seriously dump you for Duke? As if? How gross!"  
  
Scarlett led Snake Eyes away from the staging area.  
  
"You and I need to have hot sex right now to wash away the bad taste left by Duke," Scarlett told her lover.  
  
"Amen to that, sister," Jinx said as she got awfully cuddly with Falcon.  
  
Jinx pointed her finger at Duke and said, "HENTAI!"  
  
"Hey, come on," Duke said as everyone, male and female, shrank away from him as if he was some kind of contagious leper. "I thought you girls really did fall in love with me. Come on! No harm, no foul, right?"  
  
"You sick, sick bastard," Shipwreck said.  
  
General Hawk approached Cover Girl, who was standing and talking with Flint and Lady Jaye.  
  
"Hi, Cover Girl," Hawk said as he produced a bouquet of roses for her.  
  
"Oh my goodness!" Cover Girl said, blushing.  
  
"For you, Cover Girl," Hawk said. He turned to Flint.  
  
"Good job, Flint."  
  
"Wait a minute," Cover Girl said, "what do you mean?"  
  
"It was my idea to have Flint infiltrate Cobra as a double agent after the Twins approached him. I'd say you did a mighty fine job of penetrating Cobra's most private areas, wouldn't you?"  
  
"Uh, I sure did," Flint said, thinking of the way he had 'penetrated' the Baroness.  
  
"But why?" Cover Girl said.  
  
"I knew something was causing you and the other girls to act weird," Hawk said. "So when Cobra approached Flint, I had him go undercover."  
  
"You got that right," Flint said, thinking of how he had gone 'under covers' with the Baroness.  
  
"Okay," Cover Girl said. "So why did you just give me flowers?"  
  
Hawk put a hand on Cover Girl's shoulder.  
  
"Courtney," Hawk said. "I couldn't stand the thought of a beautiful woman like you having sex with a pussy-ass mofo like Duke. I've been secretly in love with you ever since day one. I've collected all of your old fashion photos, and I keep them in a special folder in my desk. You're too beautiful for words."  
  
Cover Girl blushed again. Flint led Lady Jaye away, letting Hawk and Cover Girl alone.  
  
"Why, Hawk, that's so sweet," Cover Girl smiled.  
  
Hawk put his arms around Cover Girl.  
  
"Plus," Hawk said, "there's the fact that you're the only 'available' girl left in G.I. JOE."  
  
"Um," Cover Girl said, "Isn't this against the rules or some shit like that?"  
  
Hawk threw off his helmet.  
  
"The hell with the rules. Rules and regulations are for pussies. I want you so bad, I don't know what to do with myself anymore. So take away my stars, throw me in jail, kick me out of the army, but please. not until the sex is over."  
  
Hawk and Cover Girl left the staging area, laughing.  
  
* * *  
  
That night was a night for orgasms. Scarlett and Snake Eyes were busy having sex in Scarlett's quarters. Jinx and Falcon were going at it like wild monkeys down in the motor pool. Lady Jaye and Flint were having sex out on the airfield under the stars. Cover Girl and Hawk were busy going down on each other in a locked conference room somewhere. Meanwhile, many miles away, Destro and the Baroness were indulging their erotic desires, as usual.  
  
But Duke was getting none of that action. He sat alone in the Joe lounge watching his old U.S. army commercial.  
  
"Then join the United States armed forces today. I am all that I can be. I am an army of one. I can go in and kick Cobra's butt all by myself, I'm such a fearless, heroic stud muffin. Enlist today, and you can be just like me. Yo Joe!"  
  
Duke turned the TV off and threw the remote at it. He held his head in his hands, thinking of the lovely women he had spent the last few days humping like there was no tomorrow.  
  
"Scarlett." Duke said softly, trying not to think of the woman he secretly loved more than any other woman. He tried not to think of the fact that she was having sex with Snake Eyes at this very moment.  
  
"Guess some things just aren't meant to be," Duke said. "Yo, Joe."  
  
FADE OUT. 


End file.
